The conversation in which it comes up goes something like this:
Benita: I'm just wondering if my life is going to get back to normal one of these days ...
Healthcare person: Well, you can't expect it to ever be the normal that you once knew ... it will be a new normal from here on in.
Benita: I feel a song coming on ....
So here I am ... waiting for the new normal to kick in. Anytime now. I'm ready. Oh, but wait - the chemo is over, but now I have the radiation to get through. (5 treatments over the next few weeks - starting on Wednesday). And I still have no hair (I've gotten used to bald Benita ... but the days are getting colder and it's amazing how much your hair keeps you warm). And I still get super tired from doing what feels like very little. And I'm still spending too much time in my house - it's way beyond cabin fever at this point. Please don't tell me that THIS is the new normal!
I don't mean to be cranky, but I do feel a bit cranky - which is largely why I haven't written anything for a month - because I wanted to wait until I was finally basking in the relief, the joy and the enlightened glow of my new normal. Well folks ... I'm here to tell you that we're all going to have to wait a bit longer. And I'm trying to be patient and not to feel too dismayed.
The tricky part is that I have had to start integrating things back into my life that were central to "the old normal." Because it feels like I should be able to get back into it by now. Like my work (as in - what pays the rent) for example. I've been trying to work a full load for a while now, and I'm telling you - it is far from easy. My brain is functioning, thankfully, but it's on SLO MO and everything takes a lot longer to accomplish. I've also been trying to get out more - simple things like taking Gracie for a walk around the neighborhood. Or driving over to Whole Foods or Trader Joe's to do a bit of grocery shopping. But it wipes me out! I can do it, but not without getting really tired.
So that's my status, at present. Of course I feel much better now that the chemo poison is no longer being pumped through my veins ... but I wish I felt remarkably changed and positively energized -- you know ... like able to leap tall buildings in a single bound kinda stuff. THAT kind of new normal. Yeah right.
It reminds me of that old joke about the woman with a broken arm who asks her doctor if she'll be able to play the piano once her cast comes off. You know the punchline to that one, right?
Well ... at least I know that I'll be able to play the piano again. And the guitar. And write songs about my new normal. Maybe my new normal will include winning a Tony award: Cancer - The Musical. Don't laugh. It could happen.
I'll let you know how the radiation is going. It should be done with by mid-November. I've been told that it won't be nearly as horrible as the chemo ... I just might glow in the dark for a while.
Kidding ... I think.
