Benita vs. Benita

It's been a while, I know.  Been in a bit of a slump ... nothing wrist-slitting bad; but I have felt like my head is in danger of exploding into many pieces. 

I was blind-sided by the last chemo infusion on Sept 6  - it knocked me down much harder than the first treatment ... after being told that the first one would be the roughest!  I'll spare you the all the details, but some of the highlights were: not being able to move for almost a week, FEET pain (ankles to tippy toes), lots of laying in bed and moaning, and, in general, being really pissy about everything.  I was a joy to be around ... ask Saint Tim who took off work and stayed here with me for almost a week. It was rough.

And so it began - the battle of the Benitas.  When I start to feel too depressed, my brain gets even more jumbled than it is to begin with and the Benitas start duking it out.  A point in time when the voices inside my head really have a field day ....

Benita #1:   You need to pull it together and be strong.   Stop your whining and be grateful!  What about the people you know who, right now, are fighting REALLY tough battles with cancer.  They are more than just acquaintances; they are friends - wonderful,  talented, giving, vibrant people who are facing death-defying, horrible stuff ... being stretched to their limits in terms of enduring surgeries and treatments. Compared to what they are going through, your experience is a walk in the park.  There is more than a little light at the end of the tunnel, for you.  Your news is good news.  You need to cool it with the self-pity and get a grip. 

Benita #2:   STOP scolding me!  I mean .... shit, man ... gimme a break.  I've been going through this obstacle course since May.  I am soooo tired of not having my life.  I am sick of the inside of my house.  I am weary from laying in bed and wondering who I'm going to be after this is all behind me.  Will I ever be SANE?  Will I be able to move past this without indelible scars?  Will I be living in constant fear of the cancer returning and the prospect of having to go through more of this?  Will I ever be NORMAL again?

Benita #1:  And don't forget about how remarkable and amazing your friends and family have been! The pouring out of love and support and assistance from SO many people.  You are indeed blessed.  Not to mention that you are still employed after all of this time - at a company with people who care about you and value you.  So many healthy people are unemployed right now.  It is a miracle that you still have a job!  So are so lucky in so many ways. 

Benita #2: I am dreading the thought of the next chemo infusion - if it's anything like what I just went through.  It was really bad and I felt really helpless.

Benita #1:  Oh boo hoo!  Geez -  it's your LAST chemo treatment!  How great is that ... and you only had to have THREE!  So many other people have so many more treatments and get a whole lot sicker than you!  Stop your sniffling and just deal with it, would you!

Benita #2:  Well ... I am feeling a LOT better now.  And I guess it's not the end of the world.  It's actually not even close to being the end of the world.  I heard about the movie Contagion (not on my list of movies to see right now) - those people have something to bitch about. 

Benita #1:  That's the spirit.  Stiff upper lip.  You can do it.

Benita #2:  Plus, if it's really horrible again, I'll just make light of it and fun of myself in my blog.

Benita #1:  Atta girl!  There you go!  Just turn that frown upside down.

Benita #2:   You gotta be kidding me.  I'm going to sleep.

Benita #1:  Good luck with that  ....